Utvalgt og redigert av Sturla Sandlie
"Penis Tattoos"
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.
After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.
As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."
"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'"
"Use Fascinate in a Sentence"
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use 'fascinate' in your sentence."
Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
Q. What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A:They both like a tight seal.
W: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Mega-sor-ass
|
|
My Ass
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."
|
|
Children Books that will never be published
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
|
|
Learning Adult Words
The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
Comparative Analysis of World Religious (and other) Philosophies
Taoism:Shit Happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens"
Buddhism:If Shit Happens, it isn't really Shit
Zen (Rinzai):What is the sound of Shit Happening?
Zen (Soto):Shit just Happens
Hinduism:This Shit Happened before
Sikhism:Leave our Shit alone
Jainism:Don't accidentally swallow flies and Shit
Islam:If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah
Nation of Islam:Don't take no Shit!
Hare Krishna:Shit Happens, Shit Happens, Rama Rama *ding ding*
Agnosticism:Does Shit Happen?
Atheism:No Shit!
Catholicism:Shit Happens because you are BAD
Protestantism:Catholics are full of Shit
Methodism:Let Shit Happen to somebody else
Calvinism:Shit Happens because you don't work hard enough
Presbyterianism:This Shit was bound to Happen
Episcopalianism:If Shit Happens, hold a procession
Lutheranism:Shit Happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK
Anglicanism:Shit Happens, but only to Lutherans
Mormonism:Excrement Occurs
Baptist:You're Shitting all wrong, and you're going to hell for it, too
Pentacostal:Praise the Shit!
Christian Science:Shit is all in your mind
Existentialism:What is Shit anyway?
Hedonism:There's nothing like a good Shit Happening
Dadaism:Bathtub full of power tools
Jehovah's Witness:Knock knock. Shit Happens!
Televangelism:Your tax-deductable donation can prevent this Shit from
Happening
Fundamentalism:There's no Shit in the Bible
Creationism:Shit has only been Happening since October 23rd, 4004
B.C.
Judaism:Why does Shit always Happen to us?
Reform Judaism:Got any laxatives?
Moonies:Only happy Shit really Happens
Wicca:Shit is part of the Goddess, too
Paganism:Shit Happens for a variety of reasons
Pantheism:It's all a bunch of Shit
Panentheism:Shit transcends us
Mysticism:This is some weird Shit
Unitarianism:Go ahead, Shit anywhere you want
Vegetarianism:If it Shits, don't eat it
Scientology:All this Happens to be Shit
Church of the SubGenius:Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell
you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.
Discordianism:Hail Shit!
Seventh Day Adventist:No Shit on Saturdays
Amish:Shit is good for the soil
Stoicism:This Shit is good enough for me
Zoroastrianism:Shit Happens half the time
Rastafarianism:Let's smoke this Shit
Voodoo:Let's stick some pins in this Shit
Twelve Step Program:Shit Happens one day at a time
Environmentalism:Shit is biodegradable
New Age:It's not Shit, it's feldspar
|
|
|
Telefaks:
21921332
