News - October 2005 Updates

Funky Fridays

NBA Pwe-view!

Hello everyone from a dark and stormy Cambridge City. This week I shall present my long-awaited-by-Nando and just plain long Official NBA Season Preview. I was originally going to put some non-NBA fare at the beginning for the non-basketball fans in the bbx.com audience, but it turns out that this preview is already way too ambitious for me to do properly and I'm tragically lazy to boot, so it's not going to happen. You are all invited to tune in next week, when I'll probably be writing about how I'm almost addicted to television or some other entertaining topic.

Also, before I begin my highly ambitious preview, I feel I there is an issue I must cover in my role as Chief Fashion Correspondent of bossboyx.com: The new NBA Dress Code. I don't particularly care to debate whether or not there should be a dress code, because I feel that there has already been way too much discussion of this ridiculous issue already. My personal favorite piece of idiocy came in my source for way too much idiocy, the USA Today. The token female sports columnist decided it would be appropriately stereotypical of her to write about clothes and tackled the weighty issue of the new dress code. I found the column difficult to follow, but the thesis seemed to be "Why can't Allen Iverson dress like a middle class white guy?" She supported her thesis by quoting another player that said something about dressing like a businessman because the NBA is a business, and adding her own "See, that guy understands. Why doesn't Iverson?" It was quite the sophisticated piece of journalism, and thanks to the strength of arguments such as these, we have an NBA dress code thrust upon what will be a horrified public. And by public, I mostly mean "me".

It's not really the dress code itself I object to as much as the sentiment behind it and the horrid standards that it demands. We'll start with the standards, which employ what may be the second scariest two word phrase in fashion history: Business Casual. We are going to be treated to seeing Allen Iverson and Shaquille O'Neal dress like they shop at Abercrombie & Fitch or The Gap, sporting nice looking polo shirts and khakis. The NBA is being yuppified, in other words. I believe that making the most entertaining and amusing NBA stars dress like accountants and insurance agents will not exactly help the league and its ratings problems because the professional basketball, more than any other sport, sells the personalities of its players. Reggie Miller's taunting of Spike Lee during any number of Knicks series was not professional, but it was entertaining, and people watched because it made Reggie a hero to some and a villain to others. Allowing players to express their personality will help ratings; forcing them to be boring will not.

However, I'm not just here to criticize. Nay, I have ideas to help Dave Stern if he is set in his crusade to remove the NBA of all of its street cred. Up the stakes and require suits. Let the players keep their chains and medallions if they want. NBA players, as the draft proves year after year, know how to clean up nice. The draft brings us interesting suits and accessories that say a lot about the players personality and style. Cameras can pan down the sidelines during time outs and review the players suits instead of focusing on Kid Rock or Jack Nicholson. Tell me that isn't an improvement. Furthermore, high school girls can swoon over them and wonder what it'd be like to have Jermaine O'Neal take them to the prom. Maybe it won't be a ratings bonanza, but it has to be more appealing than AI in J. Crew. And if the players need convincing to accept the coat and tie standard, offer three words of advice: Mens' Wearhouse endorsements.

Of course, all of this dress code absurdity is just a single plank in the Stern platform. The master plan is to attract more viewers and fans from the crucial SUV demographic: soccer moms and rednecks. Based on conversations I have with people here in Rural USA, a lot of the rednecks around here seem to be under the impression that the NBA consists of 450 Allen Iversons circa 1999: arrogant, argumentative ball hogs and thugs who care more about their stats and showboating than playing basketball for their team, and they have corn rows, tattoos, and bling on top of it all. And some of them didn't even go to college, of all things! I'm going to go out on a limb and posit that the problem here isn't on the NBA's end: if they think there's something wrong with baggy pants, corn rows, or bling, they are the ones that need to get over it. I find Oprah to be extremely annoying, but I understand that some people relate with her, and I do not feel that there is a need to write the FCC calling for a ban on her show simply because I don't like it. If we don't particularly care for the aesthetics of another culture, let's just simply either give a "more power to you" or shrug our shoulders and do some ignoring. Stern, however, seems particularly desperate to turn the NBA into NASCAR for these people, and so we get a country band as the All-Star Game halftime act, a nonsensical rule that implies that playing basketball requires some college education (and if that is the case, shouldn't there be a basketball major at large state universities now?), and a yuppie dress code to help all the players conform to the easily offended sensibilities of the whitest of the whites. Bad ideas, all. So please, if we're going with a dress code, go with the slick suits only.

Wow, who knew fashion reporting could be so inflammatory? I'm already pushing 1000 words, and I'm unapologetic. In fact, I'm not even ready to get on with the previews yet, because first we need to take some time to honor a man I believe should be the hands down consensus for Bossboyx.com Official Favorite Player. He's a man who is sadly being cut down in his prime due to a bad heart condition, but he assures us that he'll fight on and try his best to attempt a comeback either this season or next. I refer, of course, to Fred "The Mayor" Hoiberg. Let's take a moment and reflect on his contributions to the league.

Live strong, Mr. Hoiberg.

And now, I think we can get on with my preseason team capsules. As a disclaimer, I'd like to state that I actually know very little about the mechanics or dynamics of the game of basketball. I am also not privy to any inside information. This is all purely guesswork and a simple excuse to make fun of players and teams I don't like.

First, the Atlantic Conference:

1. New Jersey Nets -- When we last saw the Nets, their weak frontcourt as getting dominated by the Heat in a humiliating 4-0 first round beating. As such, they set out to improve their frontcourt by drafting... another athletic guard. But don't worry, they also tried to upgrade their forwards through the free agency, where they decided not to pick up former All-Star Shareef Abdur-Rahim because he might get hurt, and instead elected to spend almost as much money on the Sixers' Marc Jackson. Incidentally, we last saw him getting dominated by the Detroit frontcourt in a humiliating 4-1 first round beating. Ah, progress. However, try as they might, this year the Nets will fail in their attempts to out-suck the rest of this disgraceful division.

Good points: Nenad Krstic. Seriously, read that guy's name, and tell me you don't want to cheer for him. They are also fielding a guy named Zoran, which I think is pretty righteous. Also, Richard Jefferson is apparently alive and well once more. Good for him.

Bad points: Vince Carter seems to enjoy sucking as a change of pace once in a while, and has a habit of pretending to be injured when he doesn't want to play. Even worse, though, is Jeff McInnis, a guy Cleveland was glad to be rid of due to his annoying me-first attitude. But I get ahead of myself. I also find it strange that they turned away Abdur-Rahim when their other three stars have unfortunate injury histories of their own. Will one more injury risk make that much of a difference? Finally, there's the issue of Jason Kidd's rap career. If you haven't heard "What the Kidd Did" then you really need to find yourself a copy.

2. Philadelphia 76ers -- Allen Iverson really doesn't get enough credit for the devotion he has shown to this team, which seems to be happy to ride his coattails to the playoffs every year without doing much to help out on their own. This year, however, Iverson will face his greatest opponent every game of the season, that bastion of losing that is Chris Webber. I'm predicting that Iverson will win 41 of their games, and Webber will lose the other 41.

Good points: Allen Iverson, and, um, Andre Iguodala, I guess? Sure.

Bad points: Webber and the rest of the dorks on the roster I don't know. Also, while I'm going to try to keep FantBask out of the season previews, everyone do yourself a favor and stay away from Kyle Korver. 2 treys every night is not worth absolutely no contribution in every other area.

3. Boston Celtics -- Paul Pierce's nickname is "The Truth". Exactly how does one get a nickname like "The Truth"? I can understand "The Answer", as The Answer is the answer to every situation the team could possibly be in, and usually by default due to his inept teammates, but what does "The Truth" mean? I'm only barely cognizant of how I got the nickname "The Funk". Anyways, the Celtics could be good due to all the young talent, but they probably won't be due to all the inexperience and dubious coaching. They'll challenge Philly for the last playoff spot, and probably lose.

Good points: TONE ALLEN! and a lot of other young guys I know virtually nothing about. They should have some energy, at least. By the way, The Tone has been charged with aggravated battery due to his involvement in a shooting in some restaurant today. That's good news. Also, they picked up Jeff's main man Danny D in the offseason. Delonte West, watch your back.

Bad points: Paul Pierce is really really good, as in almost a triple-double average good, but the Celtics seem to be phasing him out in favor of some high school kid they just drafted named Gerald. Personally, I'd prefer to have The Truth over Gerald any day of the week. Sound strategy, Celtics.

4. New York Knics -- Ok, really, what can be said that hasn't already been said about this inept franchise? The Collective Bargaining Agreement has a bizarre amnesty clause written in that seems to be so perfect for the Knicks that it is nicknamed "The Allan Houston Rule," and the Knicks use it to waive someone who is not paid much and not named Allan Houston. Allan Houston then retires due to injuries, so his salary and its penalties remain on the books anyways. Also, Larry Brown called Houston the Knicks best player earlier this summer. They also traded away their best inside defender for another swingman with a bad back who depends on getting a jillion shots a game to complement Penny Hardaway, Stephon Marbury, and Jamal Crawford, apparently. The Knicks, in short, are going to suck. At least they got rid of Tim Thomas.

Good points: They have a rookie named Nate Robinson, I guess. And they signed Eddy Curry without violating any of his constitutional rights. Bully for them.

Bad points: The inevitable power struggle and collapse of the franchise will at least be entertaining to watch.

5. Toronto Raptors --- This team is below the Knicks, which says all you need to know about how bad they are. Really bad. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and predict the next five seasons or so for the Toronto Raptors. First, the fans give up and stop showing up to games. The franchise goes bankrupt and the NBA has to take over operations. In hopes of drumming up support overseas, the league has the Raptors play half of their home games in San Juan, Puerto Rico while the others remain in Canada. Eventually, the league finds a permanent home for the team in St. Louis and renames them the St. Louis Pioneers, who suddenly become successful, prompting Republicans in the House of Representatives to pass a law that prohibits George Soros from buying them.

Good points: Chris Bosh is still on the roster. I'm kind of hoping Charlie Villanueva turns out to be good too, since he's been universally derided since the moment he was drafted about 10 spots earlier than anyone else was thinking about him. Also, I like Sam Mitchell. I have no idea if he's a good coach or not, but he reportedly offered to fight a few of his players last year, and he is an ex-Pacer who was known for sound defense and a good locker room influence. Ex-Pacer plus Desire to Beat Up Rafer Alston equals Winner in my book.

Bad points: Bad logo, bad players, bad basketball city. And Jalen Rose still plays. I say this not because I hate Jalen Rose, but rather because I, for one, can't wait for him to retire and become a broadcaster based solely on his crazy postgame quotes. And seriously, what's a basketball team doing in Canada?

Now that that quagmire of mediocrity has been cleared, let's move on to the slightly less depressing Southeast Division:

1. Miami Heat --- Put me down as one of the people who think the Heat screwed themselves with their trades over the summer. I should add, however, that if the trade had involved the Pacers giving up Austin Croshere and Anthony Johnson for Walker, Williams, and Posey, I probably would be psyched about it, which means it should be interesting and not a complete disaster. However, the window of opportunity slammed shut the day the ink dried on Gary Payton's new contract. They'll go far, but fall short again, and I'll be blaming the Tool.

Good: Shaq and Wade are still going to be awesome.

Bad: Antoine Walker and Jason Williams have taken vows to never pass the ball when an ill-advised three-point attempt is available. People make the argument that they'll get in line due to Shaq's leadership, but Shaq isn't MJ and Stan Van Gundy definitely isn't Phil Jackson. I'll believe it when I see it.

2. Orlando Magic --- I must admit that I really don't care a whit about the Orlando Magic. They're not good enough to be on the radar, and they're not bad enough to be the butt of any jokes. They're really just a decent franchise that has had a horrible run of bad luck. Shaq bailed on them to go to the Lakers, a microfracture transformed budding superstar Penny Hardaway into an inconsistent role player, Grant Hill has been out of commission with injuries since they signed him, and now they drafted a dude named Fran who decided, gosh, he just doesn't want to play in the NBA after all. Since it's not polite to kick people when they're down, I just look the other way.

Good: Dwight Howard remains beastly. Jameer Nelson shows promise. Grant Hill might be healthy again.

Bad: Steven frickin' Francis. Was there a reason the Magic wanted this guy over T-Mac?

3. Washington Weezards --- Nando's Mom's favorite team has a few things going for them. First, Gilbert Arenas likes to shoot lots of shots. This is good since he'll have no one to pass to. Second, Etan Thomas is really smart and a sharp critic of the Bush Administration. Third, I've heard good things about some dude named Haywood, but I can't profess to knowing anything specific about him.

Good points: Outside of the Heat, the Southeast is about as bad as the Atlantic, so they should be able to compete.

Bad: Butler/Arenas/Jamison just isn't the most fearsome combination in the league. They also didn't re-sign Juan Dixon.

4. Charlotte Bobcats --- The Bobcats feature primarily players who won an NCAA championship at some point in their careers. They'll be a lot better than last year, but still won't be too good. Also, I feel I should add that I like the Bobcats building strategy of drafting NCAA champions much more than I like the Celtics strategy of dressing high school players in green uniforms and calling them the Celtics. In other news, Gerald Wallace recently stated that the NBA should provide players with suit stipends if they're going to enforce this dress code.

Good points: Did you know that Emeka Okafor was rookie of the year? Emeka Okafor, of the Charlotte Bobcats? That's right, the Moon! Emeka Okafor, 2004-5 Rookie of the Year, plays for the Charlotte Bobcats, just like he did when he won rookie of the year!

Bad points: Those UNC bastards aren't going to let 2004-5 Rookie of the Year Emeka Okafor have any touches this year.

5. Atlanta Hawks --- So the Suns go into the playoffs with the best record in the league, when suddenly Joe Johnson, their fourth option on offense, goes down with an injury, and they lose to the Spurs. This can only mean that JOE JOHNSON IS THE BEST FRICKIN' PLAYER EVER and totally deserves a max contract from the Atlanta Hawks, even though they already had drafted Marvin Williams, Al Harrington, Josh Childress, and Josh Smith, who are all about the same size and play the same position and happen to be the four best players on the roster. "Wait a second guys," says one of the owners, "I'm not so sure it's worth trading away a decade's worth of draft picks for a relatively unproven player." "Oh yeah?" says the other. "In that case, I'm not so sure you need to be working here anymore." In other news, I wish I were about four inches taller, because then I'd be a 6'8" small forward and the Hawks would give me a contract.

Good points: You know, let's just skip this part.

Bad points: They parted ways with Drobnjak?

On to the Central Division, home of some teams with actual talent. I'm going to claim right now that every Central Division team is playoff bound.

1. Indiana Pacers --- Chief Fashion Correspondent Funk here, reportedly officially and chiefly that the new uniforms suck, big time. They look like cheap Atlanta Hawks knock-offs. Why get new uniforms the year after your uniforms are voted best in the league? Because we don't want to remind fans of Reggie Miller, and instead want to remind them of the Atlanta Hawks. Bah. I'm a little concerned about my Pacers this year because not only do our uniforms suck, clearly hurting us in the intangibles department, but we also have had two players accuse the league of racism within a year. Combined with Ron Artest, we're David Stern's least favorite team ever, and I wouldn't put it past that shady bastard to fix the games against us. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he put on a disguise and started throwing beers at Ron Artest during the season to bait him into attacking the fans again so he could be banned for life. On the court, the Pacers are two teams, really. There's the sensible team of O'Neal, Croshere, Foster, Granger, and Jasikevicius (I'm assuming), and the completely frickin' nuts team consisting of David Harrison, Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, Jamaal Tinsley, and Anthony Johnson. I'm thinking neither team can win without the other, but can these two polar opposite teams be combined? A question worth watching.

Good points: Deeper than anyone else besides the Spurs, and well-coached. Jermaine O'Neal knocked out a Pistons fan in one punch, which is still my favorite play of 2004-5.

Bad points: Hated by most everyone outside of Indiana, especially those bureaucrats in the League Office.

2. Chicago Bulls --- People seem to be saying that Chicago overachieved last year and is headed for a fall. I scoff at such a suggestion. The Bulls are well-coached and have efficient players with a winning mind-set. They also have Tim Thomas, but they can just stick his useless self on the bench. On the downside, they did attempt to violate Eddy Curry's constitutional rights by forcing him to take a DNA test. That would have been a most unfortunate precedent.

Good points: Good team play through good coaching. No major losers giving games away.

Bad points: Andres Nocioni is a dirty player. Or so I'm told.

3. Detroit Pistons --- God I hate the Pistons. I hate Ben Wallace. I hate Rasheed Wallace. I hate Gerald Wallace just for good measure, that suit stipend stealing sneak. Chauncey Billups annoys me. I also refuse to find satisfaction in the feel-good story of Antonio Mc'Nice'.

Good points: Ben Wallace is never going to fight Ron Artest for ten million dollars, which means that the spineless "bad boy" is never going to meet his untimely end at the hands of the vastly superior, meaner, and tougher Ron Artest. This is good for the Pistons, because he can then continue to take cheap shots against other players and try to start fights with Scot Pollard when the Pistons get blown out by the Pacers on their home floor. Yes, Scot Pollard, that tall lanky weirdo. When you're getting schooled by Scot Pollard regularly enough that you feel the need to lash out in frustration, you know you're a big loser. And you are, Ben Wallace.

Also, I like Phil Saunders and Richard Hamilton, because they remind me of the Minnesota Timberwolves and a less talented Reggie Miller that can't hit threes, respectively. Flip and Rip, I call them.

Bad points: Darko Milicic is going to flip out and murder Rasheed Wallace, and then go on the lam, picking off the Pistons one by one like in a slasher flick. I'd pay to see it.

4. Milwaukee Bucks --- I just let out a season's worth of frustration at the Pistons, and you expect me to talk about Andrew Bogut and co.? Forget it. The Bucks have no nationally televised games this year, and I don't think I've ever seen them play. Ever. I'm thinking they might be a figment of our imagination. That's why Michael Redd didn't sign anywhere else. He's not a real person.

Good points: They'll be better than last year.

Bad points: They're keeping me from making fun of Cleveland...

5. Cleveland Cavaliers --- I love the Cleveland Cavaliers like a brother; more specifically, I love the Cleveland Cavaliers like a younger brother I always half-cheer for but enjoy beating repeatedly. Now I hear talk that for the first time in their existence, they might have a chance at the title. Don't get sucked in. They're still Cleveland (see also Warriors, Golden State). Let's detail this team's faults last year. First, a chronically injured center who can't finish a season. Still got him. Second, major chemistry problems and coaching inexperience. With a completely new team with a new coach, there will probably still be issues there. Third, inconsistent power forward play. The answer: Streaky shooting Donyell Marshall. Check. Fourth, no shooting guard whatsoever. Here's where the improvement lies...

Good points: Larry Hughes. An awesome defender, and a good outside shooter, two of the teams drawbacks last year. Larry Hughes will finally give El Bron enough help to get to the playoffs. Oh, and the Wine and Gold uniforms look sweet too. My vote for league's best. Back to last year's problems...

Fifth, a me-first point guard who has never gotten along with his teammates. Well, the Cavaliers fixed that problem by letting McInnis help ruin New Jersey's season. Who do the valiant knights get to replace him?

Bad points: Damon Jones. Has had chemistry problems on every team he's ever been on. Put in the worst game seven in recent memory. Plays well when it doesn't matter and sucks royally when it does. Refuses to pass. Under any circumstances.

So, the Cavaliers, a team with a long, rich history of arrogant ego-centric role players (Darius Miles, Ricky Davis, McInnis) and choking down the stretch, picked up a guy whose career has been defined by egocentrism and choking. Worst. Move. Ever. Pro-tip for my li'l bros in Cleveland: offer Drew Gooden and Luke Jackson to Indiana for Anthony Johnson and Jonathon Bender. We won't take it, but at least it'll look like you're trying to get a decent point guard. They still might be better than Milwaukee, but I'm going to put them last because I'm a bastard sometimes. At least they still have The Optimist.

And I'm done for now. This beast is already over 4000 words, but I'm unapologetic, because I like listening to myself type. How do you feel reading the words of a narcissist? I'm going to guess annoyed, but I'm going to also wager two goat pics that Melanie didn't make it this far into the preview to know that I caught her reference. I'll do the Western Conference later this weekend, I imagine. I also have to write a real report on some business for class, but that's child's play, really.