Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Just so you don't hear any wild rumors,

I have decided to quit school. This hasn't been an easy decision, nor has it been a sudden one made on trivial or whimsical feelings. Instead, it has been building in me for close to a year now and unfortunately, there was no way that I could delay it any longer. When I first left Madison, I remember feeling quite ambivalent about continuing in this field. Nevertheless, I decide to come up here to Minnesota because it was a rare chance to try out a PhD program. The first semester was so taxing on me. I had a class that stressed me out, which I ended up dropping, another that I couldn't understand so I had to drop as well, one that I couldn't tolerate because it was mind-numbingly boring and impossible to comprehend, and another that I rather enjoyed.

Aside from this, there was my assistantship,which I don't have to tell you was ridiculously insane, working for Dumbface. I'm glad that I'm not the only one in the cohort that thinks she's crazy - and this is from people that don't have to work for her as her personal slave. Bottom line: I just wasn't happy. Add to that that getting to campus was pretty difficult and you have a pretty bumbed out Nando.  As I have written, my plan was to take lit courses this semester to see how I would enjoy them and how I would feel about counseling courses as well after a respite. As it stood, I was ready to drop out of the program by the end of Fall semester, but I decided to take those courses and get a better understanding of y feelings.

Well, it wasn't long before the department got wind of the fact that I was not enrolled in the "right" courses (and I use quotes just because there really isn't a correct order to take them. Hell, I was in a course in which the professor did nothing but talk about advanced stats for the entire time because it was the "right" course to take). I got an email letting me know that my assistantship had been revoked. Just like that. So I went in on Friday and explained my case. Ultimately, I think we both made a few good points.

They said that I was enrolled in classes that had nothing to do with my degree. I said that I was merely taking my 12 credits outside of the program  for my minor - which is required for the degree. That didn't fly, though I'm sure that if I had taken all the required courses inside the department, that I could take a whole semester of English. Then they come at me with the lamest statement of all - that a minor has to fit with the major and that people usually take Psychology courses for a minor. This of course is no where in the manual, and if they want you to minor in something in particular, they should just come out and say it specifically and not dance around this "12 credits outside of the department" business.

So, I was given a choice to make by the following Monday: I could take 10 credits in the department and retain my assistantship or keep my literature classes and go it alone without an assistantship. I just had to let them know through email first thing Monday morning. Seeing as how I need that assistatnship and that there really aren't any assistantships out there at this particular point, I had to think long and hard about this. If I took 10 credits in the department, it would mean more crap courses - more stuff that I really wasn't interested in at this point. Moreover, it would mean more Dumbface. So, what was I really gaining? In fact, taking that deal would mean taking out more loans since the cost of living is so high that the meager stipend doesn't really cover it. And somehow, taking courses I don't really like, working for someone who I can't stand, and having to pay money back for it just didn't appeal to me.

Besides that, the fact that my lease is up was also a big influence. It means that I don't have to stay here and look for a job. I don't have to limit myself in that manner. I'm not all sure about what's going to happen from this point on, but I'll admit that it is a bit scary. For all I know I could end up in a whole new place by next month. I could be in Arizona or Maine or God knows where. Anyway, I've gotten a lot of support from everyone that I've talked to about this including some of the professors in the program. I emailed everyone that was involved in my admittance into the program know about my departure - including Dumbface and everyone has responded. I even had lunch with my cohort for the last time yesterday and am scheduled for a brief exit interview with the program coordinator on Thursday.

So, as scary and, yes even a bit depressing, as this all is, I do feel a bit of freedom now that I have never felt before. Maybe this will come back to haunt me as the worst decision ever, but I highly doubt it. If it does, I'll just reapply to Madison - it's not exactly the best place on earth, but at least it was a hell of a lot easier to live in as a student. 

And as for Dumbface, well, I kinda feel bad for her and the short end of the stick she got. She had all of these plans for this semester with her personal assist... er I mean research assistant. And now I'm not sure what all is going on with her. I'm sure she's upset with me after I sent her an email letting her know about my choice since she the only one left who hasn't responded to it. However, there's something funny about all this.

You see, if taking the right courses was truly all that important to this department, why would they have not just threatened me with expulsion instead of revoking my assistantship. If I was well off or could scrounge one up, the only loser in all of this would be Dumbface. Also, right before I had that meeting on friday with the Chair of the department, I had a few minutes to kill so I went down to the lounge and happen to run into Dumbface herself. Now, at this point I knew that the Chair had taken away my assistantship, but Dumbface seemed quite oblivious to it all, even dumping work on me for the coming week. It was as if no one had told her about the situation. I doubt she's going to be in too much trouble since she has a lot of people helping her out on this one as opposed to the previous project we did together, but without someone to coordinate all of it (and put up with her nonsense), it's going to be a long Spring. I feel so bad for whoever is desperate enough to take that open position as her assistant now.

Well, maybe it just seemed like horrible unbearable work because I wasn't interested in the field all that much. Or maybe because I got paid peanuts. Or maybe because she was crazy.  Who knows.

All right, I'm gonna scoot now. There's a lot of stuff that has gone on since the last time I sat down here, but I think that this overshadows anything else I might have reported on. I don't think I will be updating this thing too often at this point since I need to start planning for the rest of my life now, but feel free to call, email, IM, or whatever if you feel like talking. It would be nice to hear from some of you.